Conflicted Mind

Posted on Sat Sep 19th, 2020 @ 10:43am by Captain Rhenora Kaylen & Commander Savar cha'Salik hei-Surak Talek-sen-deen

Mission: Welcome Aboard!
Location: Mess Hall

Captain Kaylen Rhenora sat in a secluded corner of the mess hall, a quiet table in mostly darkness and a bottle of spring wine planted neatly in the middle, its contents diminishing with the Captain’s mood. She felt conflicted, part of her was ecstatic that her husband was back on board, but there was another part of her that felt obligated to return to Bajor and settle down with him. He deserved to be treated better than to be following her around the galaxy just because she couldn’t keep her feet on the ground. Was she ready to settle down yet?

Another swig of spring wine followed with a mild grimace - it definitely wasn’t the best vintage but it suited her dark mood. She would talk to Remal more about her feelings, but first she needed to work out exactly WHAT those feelings were. Yes she still loved him but she also loved her life in space with adventure and exploration and making a difference. She was conflicted in more ways than one.

Savar entered the mess hall. He had finished his report on the Orion incursion. Now he was here getting a bottle of fruit juice and some jumbo mollusks with rice. He saw Captain Rhenora sitting in a secluded corner of the mess hall with a pensive look on her face. He decided to join her.

“Captain.” He said in greeting “May I join you?”

Rhenora’s head snapped up at the voice, she hadn’t expected anyone to be around at this hour.

“ Of course” she replied somewhat automatically, her mind most definitely distracted. She raised the glass to her lips and took another sip.
“ I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to help you with whatever your concern is at the moment” She admitted, indicating the diminished bottle.

“Thank you.” Savar replied as he sat across from her. “Actually Captain, I was wondering if I could help you. You appear to be preoccupied. I have found sharing one's thoughts often helps in working out a solution. As well as diminishing the stress one is under.”

Rhenora regarded him with a bemused look, wondering if he really knew what he was opening himself up for. Bajoran emotions often ran deep, one of the particulars of the species, they found peace in spirituality however this was also something Rhenora struggled with. Brought up to believe unwaveringly in the power and grace of the Prophets she had found that faith tested by years in space. After all she had seen how does one still believe?

“ Would you like a glass? You might need it” She offered.

“Perhaps later Captain.” Savar countered, “After you rid yourself of whatever it is that has you in such deep thought. Have the Borg reappeared? Or the Dominion?” He questioned.

“ My husband” She admitted, feeling terrible for lumping her internal dialogue on the counsellor. Then again - that was his gig. “ We have been apart for 6 years, we married when I was Captain on the Sunfire, but he chose to return to Bajor and start a counselling clinic, I chose to return to Starfleet. We have kept in contact but he has just arrived on the Liberty, and it’s got me rattled. I thought I knew who I was and where I was going, and now it’s all...confused again.” She sighed and took another sip.

Savar took a sip of his juice. “I see. The arrival of your husband has upset your routine and thrown you out of your comfort zone.I suggest you evaluate your feelings Captain. You know yourself better than anyone. Do not let a change in your routine sway you from that fact.”

The Captain sighed, reflecting on her mess of emotions. She was still reeling from the Orion attack not 24 hours after the Liberty had launched, they hadn’t had a chance to have a proper debrief yet, let alone go through the plans on how to prevent such a thing happening again. The wine wasn’t helping, but it was also lowering her inhibitions, allowing words she would normally keep well hidden to bubble to the surface.

“ I’m rattled Savar, first the Orions, now Remals’ here. I love him dearly but I now feel obligated to settle back on Bajor,even though he has asked to stay on board, but I love being in space too much. Argh… my emotions are a mess.” She admitted sagely, hoping that she was at least making some sense… hopefully.

“You are proceeding from a false perspective Captain. This is not about your love for your husband, This is what is best for you. If you will forgive me for being so bold but your first best destiny is that of a starship commander. Anything else is a waste of talent. I have read your file.
You have succeeded at every level and overcome every obstacle. I further believe you are subconsciously interjecting what you feel are your husband’s reactions will be onto your own, making your thinking all the more difficult.”

“ I haven’t… actually...spoken with him at length about this yet. I just wanted to try and sort out my own head first. We had a brief conversation about him wanting to now stay on board but how long will it last?" Kaylen admitted, running her fingers along the length of the glass before her, trying desperately to order her muddled mine. “ I can’t leave him on Bajor again, that’s not fair, I can't also drag him around the galaxy cos I can't keep still, that's not fair either”

“Not fair to whom Captain? Your husband or yourself?” Savar questioned.

“Both, but asking him to stay on the Liberty is also unfair, he'd be giving up everything he's worked for in the last 6 years. I just don’t know what to do. He left the Sunfire and returned to Bajor when I was nearly killed in an away mission, it’d been the fourth time in a matter of years, he couldn’t take it anymore. I don’t blame him” She wallowed, a rare expression of perceived failure and loss of control. Thankfully only Savar was around to witness it.

“I see. So your husband returned to Bajor because he could not withstand the thought of losing you on an away mission. DId he feel by doing that it would sway you from your obligations as a
Starship commander to your oath to Starfleet, your crew and yourself. I suggest your husband’s decision has added to your stress not decreased it and forgive me Captain. It was unfair of him to put that upon you.” Savar replied.

“ He pledged to keep me safe, but my reckless behaviour has made that hard for him. He wants what every spouse wants - their loved one to come home to them at the end of the day. I couldn’t guarantee that - not to mention my track record in that regard is less than stellar.” The glass was refilled, and sorrows drowned just a little more. “ I feel like a failure”

“A failure?” Savar repeated. “You are proceeding from a false assumption. No one in Starfleet sees you as a failure. I hasten to say Starfleet Command would not give a failure command of one of the best ships in the fleet. So you are in error Captain. Your husband wants you home so you can bake bread and knit and be safe. Very noble. But that is not for you Captain. You are an explorer. You yearn to see what is around the corner. You are truly alive out here in the far expanses of space.”

“ I don’t think he wants me to bake bread and knit, I don’t think he wants to see me killed running out on some hotheaded away mission cos I can’t keep my ass on the bridge” The Bajoran retorted.

“Then Captain, I would suggest some more self control or perhaps the new Starfleet Directive suggesting Captains refrain from leading away missions you feel does not apply to you.” Savar countered.

“ You’re saying I’m reckless aren't you?” She shot back, anger and hurt colouring her tone.

“I am saying no such thing Captain. You are saying that. In fact it is an opinion I do not agree with. As I have said earlier, you are a leader, leaders lead from the front not from the sidelines or the rear.” Savar answered calmly.


“ Leaders are supposed to lead from the bridge as they are supposed to value their own safety. You can’t lead when you’re dead” Rhenora lamented, digging herself a nice comfy hole to wallow in her sorrows.

“Captains are supposed to lead the best way they can, I daresay you cannot do that from a rocking chair on Bajor.” Savar looked at her, “Captain when all is said and done. You are a starship commander. It is what you do best. Do not deny what you are.”


“ Why do you think Command made me take a desk job for 5 years?” The Bajoran grumped, “ I’ve crashed not one but two starships. Admiral Bercas calls me a loose canon. Vice Admiral Nimibi called me a ‘concern to Command’ at my last inquiry. Admiral Hereas somehow likes me through...odd”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself Captain? I maintain you are what Command wants in its leaders. You get results. You are strong willed. Your crew adores you” Savar countered.

“ The crew of the Sunfire did, they’d following me into hell and back. This crew? They don’t know me yet. Heck some of them are only still arriving” There was a slight slur to her words as the alcohol started to mess with her nervous system.

“Do you not think that speaks as a testament to your standing as a captain? As well as your ability?” He asked.


“I…” words failed the ‘never short of a word’ Captain, and she stared into the lightly coloured wine still remaining in her glass. The words somehow had struck home.

“Captain.” Savar said gently. “I find you an outstanding leader in all things concerning the Federation. However your wine drinking ability is something less than outstanding. I think it
It's time you stop and return to your quarters.”

Rhenora regarded the empty bottle with a bemused look “Well I must admit I haven’t done that in a while” She admitted, knowing the headache tomorrow morning was going to be somewhere between crashed shuttle and warp core explosion. Not something to look forward to.

“ When did you get so damned logical?” She asked as the bottle and glass were placed in the replicator, albeit on slightly unsteady legs.

Savar stood beside her. “Logic is a trait of Vulcans. I am Vulcan ergo I am logical though my countrymen would disagree.” He looked at her, “Do you require assistance to get to your quarters?”

“ No I think I’ll be fine, I’ll drop by sickbay to get a hypo on the way through I think. Thank you for your ears, and your advice” Kaylen said with honesty.

“ A most logical thought Captain. As for my advice,you are welcome. It is what I am here for. I hope it allowed you to understand what you are and what your destiny is.” Savar replied looking closely at Kaylen and wondering if he should accompany her to her quarters just to make sure she got there.

“ It’s given me something to think about” The Captain replied quietly, replicating a glass of water before leaving the mess hall.

“Excellent. I shall leave you then Captain. Have an excellent rest of the evening.” Savar answered quietly.

“ I fear it shall be less than excellent, but it will be had none the less” Rhenora struggled to find a smile. She had a lot on her mind.

“Captain, you place too much upon yourself. The evening,the coming days are what you make them. They can be fulfilling and exciting or full of fear and despair.” Savar pointed out. “I trust you chose wisely.”

“ Damned Vulcans and their logic” She grumbled, she hated that he was right, and hated herself even more for not wanting to see it. Sleep and the morning would bring a fresh perspective.

“ Thank you for your counsel, you are most… patient”

“I am here to help Captain. Sometimes one cannot see the forest for the trees.” Savar observed.